Sunday, March 19, 2017

Goodbye Grandma Gretchen!

Monday night, March 5th I got a call from Freddy saying that Grandma Gretchen might not make it through the night. The next morning I was an utter wreck. In the morning I had a panic attack and was hysterical. I went to work, but couldn't stop crying. I talked to Freddy and he said that Grandma had passed away at 7:30am. I left work and was on the next plane to San Diego. I asked Freddy to please have them keep her body there so I could say goodbye. I got there around 1pm and they picked her up at 6pm, so I got to say goodbye to her and just be with her. There were lots of family members there, just spending time together, crying, and sharing memories together. When they took her away I totally lost it. I can't believe she is gone. I have been mourning the loss of the woman that I knew and loved for several years, but now I won't be able to see her face or hear her voice ever again. She was my best friend, my mentor, my biggest advocate, my role model and my mom. Not a day goes by in my life that I don't sound like her, act like her, think of her, wear something she bought me, talk about her, or am reminded of a memory about her. I really think that she is the closest person I have ever lost in my life, and for me that is saying A LOT. That night we all drank Manhattans in her honor. They were not good, but she loved them. We talked about memories of her and looked at the door where all of our heights have been written since we were teeny tiny. Lots of tears and lots of hugs, but more than anything a common bond of love for grandma.
  Freddy says that the more we cry it means that the more we have loved, but I just wish that it didn't hurt so bad. Oliven said to me the other day, "Mommy, I am so sorry that your grandma died." Vander turned to him and with clenched teeth said, "Oliven I told you not to talk about that. You know that makes her cry."
  We spent the next 4 days at Uncle Ken and Karen's house. Several people came back on Wednesday so we could all just be together. Uncle Ken found and brought out some puzzles that "Little Fred" Hinze made in the early 1900s with a jig saw. They were really neat. We enjoyed putting them together.
Thursday Uncle Ken, Karen, Grandpa David and I spent the day together.
On Friday everyone came over to talk, laugh, hug, remember, and be together in Grandma's honor. We sat around the fireplace and tried to share stories about grandma. I didn't go to bed until around 2 or 3am and felt super sick after drinking with my family.
  On Saturday Freddy, Colby, Alex and I went up to Anaheim. We spent the day lounging in the hot tub and eating lots of veggies. Sunday afternoon I flew home. I could hardly breath knowing that I was leaving all the people who know the grief and pain that I am feeling and returning home where life is just going on as usual.